By Kayla Sprague
“Dating abuse is a pattern of behaviors one person uses to gain and maintain power and control over their partner.”
Luckily, we are living in a time where it is easier to reach out for help when you need it. Unfortunately, that doesn't make it any easier realizing that you need help. Abuse is a shapeshifter, it doesn't always appear in the physical violence we are warned about. It's always so simple to see the abuse once we're out of that relationship, but what about the warning signs? The best weapon to arm yourself with is knowledge.
Physical Abuse
Any contact a person has with your body is your choice. This could mean the welcomed contact too: holding your hand, lifting your chin to kiss you, or having sex. You are allowed to say yes or no to any physical contact. Physical abuse doesn't always leave bruises, cuts or scratches. It can start by tightly squeezing your hand in public to stop you from talking, grabbing your face to make you look at them, or forcing your head into their lap after you've said no.
This person can be actively (meaning to cause harm) or passively (throwing objects in your general direction) trying to cause you harm. Either way, there is no need to stay or give them another chance. This is a warning of their lack of control over themselves and their desire of control over you.
Emotional/Verbal Abuse
There are obvious and not so obvious behaviors that constitute abuse. If your significant other outright yells, screams, or intentionally berates you in public, that's a clearer version. But it could be more swept under the rug if you simple attribute these actions as “part of their personality.” Begin by removing the phrase “they're just crazy” from your vocabulary.
Being jealous of your friendships, threatening to expose secrets, blaming you for their actions and constant monitoring or “checking in” on you; these aren't just crazed actions, they're abusive. They aren't meant to be worked into the fabric of a relationship. Over time you'll adjust to these as norms when they're not acceptable. These are easily applied to a gradual progression towards isolation and guild for having any outside contact. Find somewhere you can go, share little to no information and leave.
Financial Abuse
This form of abuse comes about very subtly. It can first present as just a nice monitoring of your finances to “help.” If your significant other is fully in charge of your finances, and doesn't let you purchase anything without permission, that's abuse. If you are always paying them back in one way or another, there is a guilt that is associated with that. There is also a control. You are allowed to spend the money you make as you want. You don't need to run it by anyone and you don't need to justify it.
Sexual Abuse
If you do not resist a sexual advance, that does not mean you consented. Any pressures or coercion to perform a sexual act constitutes abuse. Sexual abuse is someone touching you without your consent, someone “convincing” you to have sex with them and everything in between. You are entitled to say no whether or not you are in a relationship, if you were on a date or not, if you've had sex before or not. Each individual time someone makes sexual advances towards you is an isolated instance to say yes or no. Abuse is being made to feel like you “have to” go through with a sexual act, or made to feel guilty if you don't. If you have been sexual assaulted it is so important to notice a doctor and officer right away. If you are experiencing any warning signs, leave that situation/relationship immediately before it escalates. Sexual abuse commonly accompanies physical abuse.
It is never easy to pull back the curtain and see what is truly there. A lot of abusive relationships are masked in public settings. If you feel like you're at risk or in danger, reach out to someone you trust. If any aspect of this struck a cord with you, even just reach out to talk. Getting a third party perspective on the situation gives you a more honest view. Victims tend to make excuses for their abusers and that's just fuel to the fire.
To gain more information about types of abuse or to get in contact with someone safe to talk to use www.lwa.org.uk and www.loveisrespect.org as resources.
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