WRITTEN BY NICOLA HARE
I was recently
asked:
‘If someone were to hurt
you the way that you’ve hurt God, would you forgive them?’
To say that I
was stunned into silence would be somewhat of an understatement. I am often an
advocate of the freedom of forgiveness. I mentioned in a previous post that
forgiveness is the liberating of oneself and though I stand by what I said, I
can admit that I did not, wholeheartedly, understand the weight of my words. It
was when I was asked this question however, that I was forced to truly reflect
on what forgiveness meant.
Forgiveness is
often misconceived. The notion is perceived as the condoning of wrongdoing, the
call for reconciliation or the willingness to forget but in truth, forgiveness
is surrender. It is not to invite repeated offence nor the acceptance of
betrayal but rather to understand that wrong has been done to you and surrender
pride, anger, resentment, shame and contempt. Forgiveness is the choice to free yourself of the burden
of pain.
There’s a
saying: ‘holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the
other person to die.’ I have watched the seed of an absent parent or lost friend build this poison within people around me. It is much easier to convince
ourselves that we can simply move on and forget rather than having to confront
pain, hurt and betrayal. I’ve found myself asking what right does my offender have
to demand of my forgiveness when they have betrayed me. I owe nothing to those
that have wronged me because surely to forgive would be to free my offender of
their wrong. To forgive my offender would be to accept what they have done. The
truth is, in trying to convince myself that I would simply forget as time
passed, I became my own capture, I made myself the captive of my past.
Harbouring
bitterness is dangerous and I can admit that I had, or perhaps still do harbour
resentment. If I’m being honest with myself, the resentment, the bitterness,
they became a part of my identity. I opened a door for pain, anger, contempt
and resentment and in turn lost myself and began to punish those that were
around me. I punished them for my own strife, my sorrow and the pain that came
with betrayal. Though it was not intentional, I hurt the people that I cared
about because of my unwillingness to forgive. I became distasteful and though I
have been forgiven, I wonder if I have truly forgiven myself.
Distaste in
life and people can consume. It can capture you, chain you and never release you if you allow it to. What you need to understand is that it is you that has the
power. It is you that has the strength to break the chains. Your unwillingness
to forgive is not a sign of strength, it is walking into captivity. Forgiveness is not for the wrongdoer, it is an
act to protect yourself. It is having the strength to let go. It is choosing to
understand that you are angry but that you will not allow anger to bind you to
distaste.
‘If someone were to hurt you the way that
you’ve hurt God, would you forgive them?’
The question
still haunts my mind even as I write this piece. The truth is, we are flawed
beings and if we are to be honest with ourselves, I don’t believe we’d offer
forgiveness to those that had hurt us the way that we have wronged God and yet
here we are, forgiven. We are bound to make mistakes in relationships, be it
with our parents, friends or partners, it’s within our nature.
If God can
forgive us for all that we have done then what right do we truly have to choose
not to forgive others? I say choose because whether or not you want to realise
it, you choose to forgive, you choose between the harbouring of
resentment or freedom: forgiveness is always a choice between holding on and letting go. We are imperfect, fallen
and full of sin and yet God forgives us. Why is it that you are able to ask God
for forgiveness and expect nothing less and yet your offender must suffer
before you can even consider forgiveness? Surely that must mean that we wrong
God so often because we know that he will forgive us. Had it not been for his
mercy and his choice to forgive you,
where would you be?
Understand that
letting go of the blame, the shame and guilt that is associated with being hurt
is to give peace to your mind. You give yourself space to grow when you forgive
because you learn and you develop. You become empowered instead of weakened by
what has weighed so heavily on your shoulders. Forgiveness is healing. I see
forgiveness as stepping out into fresh air after being locked in a stuffy room,
it is a feeling we all know. We cannot fully explain what it feels like but the
relief is what I imagine forgiveness to be. A breath of fresh air.
‘If someone were to hurt
you the way that you’ve hurt God, would you forgive them?’
It’s funny how
a single question can make you question a lot of what you think you know. I’ve
decided to make a list, one that I hope will be beneficial to myself and those
that are reading. These are my steps from the stuffy room to the moment you
step out for the breath of fresh air.
- Take your time to process the betrayal and the hurt. Do not allow anyone to rush this process because it matters, it is your time. You have to fully grasp why you are hurt to begin the process of forgiveness.
- Once ready, have a conversation. You would be surprised at how beneficial talking about what has hurt you can be.
- Ask the questions that need to be answered. Do not be afraid of asking. You have the right to know why? You have the right to question what is said for you to fully grasp the situation before you make your choice.
- Create boundaries if you feel that there needs to be. Whether they will loosen or tighten your relationships will be known with time but make sure that you’re comfortable with whatever you decide.
- Explain that you are choosing to forgive. As much as your offender might need to hear it, saying “I choose to forgive you” is that breath of fresh air. It is the final step.
I told myself
only a few weeks ago that I had made it to step 5 but honestly, I now
understand that I am still on step 1. What I have come to understand is that
this process needs care and attention. I am doing this for my betterment and so
I must do it properly. I no longer wish to be my own capture. I want to forgive
so that I can grow, so I may regain power over certain elements of my life, so
that I can heal and though it has been years, I believe, for the first time
that I may finally get my breath of fresh air.
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