By Maisa Salum-Kilaly
Do you know what irks me the most? The continual affirmation from other males that my ex still and has always loved me.
What part of love is subjugated to hurt and betrayal? The choice I have made is, to move on and (be happy). This exhortation to rekindle will be met with rebuke.
Stop attesting to me that there was a "deep connection" wholly based on a conjecture.
As an individual peering at the situation outwardly, how do you expect to know the ordeals that I succumbed?
Did your "boy" ever express his abusive nature?
Do not hinder my journey of moving on and becoming whole again by mentioning his name or promulgating his apparent good nature.
He is an ex for a reason and as far as I am concerned he is inexistent.
Transitioning from 6th form to university is considered a huge step but who would have thought I’d be amongst the 56% of people aged 16-21 who had experienced coercive and controlling behaviour from their partners. University students are most vulnerable especially having to overcome a newfound independence and adapting to a support system that they’re unversed with.
Naturally, when domestic abuse comes to mind there is a direct association with physical harm yet it should be acknowledged that well before your partner has even hit you, their abuse would have been expressed through other ways. Domestic violence is endemic in all areas i.e. emotional, psychological, sexual, and verbal.
When I’d first met my partner the thought of us even together didn’t initially come to mind. He was quite vocal about the way he felt about me and wanting to commit but I didn’t really reciprocate equal interest, surprisingly I’d ended up falling for his personality and within less than 2 months of meeting one another we ended up in an exclusive relationship.
As silly as it may sound this would be the first step towards entering an abusive relationship; although love has no time constraint and at the time this could have been associated with spontaneity and timelessness the acceleration of pace in the beginning of the relationship was a strategy of control. He continually exercised what he wanted and that took away from I personally utilising the proper logistics of formulating a relationship beyond emotions.
A little more into our relationship he had started asking me to keep illegal substances for him in my room. I didn’t think much of it at the time but now looking back it was one of the most stupid things I’ve ever done in my life; not only was he utilising me as a pawn and exploiting me, it was a representation of him not respecting me in the slightest.
He had asked me to do it again whilst I was with friends but this time he made a statement saying that he would hit me if I misplaced the items. I believe I’d either laughed it off or disregarded the statement but my friend came to my defence expressing that he wasn’t going to hit anybody.
I thought it was a one-off but the next time he said he would “bottle” me with one of his all-time favourite drinks… Cîroc. I reacted differently to this and consistently pushed him to do it but he repeatedly shouted that he loved me and ended up punching a door instead. The following day he’d received a fine for the repercussions of his behaviour but lacked in accountability for his actions and placed the blame on me.
“John was filming it”, I skipped past through all his snaps and reached the one where he publicly humiliated me for the first time. The snap encompassed him pouring a shot in between the breast of a female, he told me not to worry about. Once again, I was quite lenient about his behaviour and I proceeded in a nonchalant manner. I guess this was a coping mechanism because I was unable to take him for who he is so I pushed this ideal of trying to comprehend the make-up of him.
It was finally our first break at university and I had gone home to spend it with my family. He continually messaged me and conveyed that he missed me, I reciprocated the same response, however, he complained about how lonely he was and that I should come back. Like a puppet on a string, I did just that and even missed my dad’s birthday.
Our first argument had finally broken out because of something that happened before we were even together. In short, I was caught up in the middle of a situation where my boyfriend’s best friend’s boyfriend had cheated on her with me, which I was unaware of. He deemed me to be an untrustworthy character and even considered ending our relationship.
Amid a discussion relating to this, he began to walk out on me and in an attempt to stop him he said that he would act out violently. I recall being sedentary on the toilet and sobbing to my friends on the phone about the situation. They reassured me and one of them mentioned he was acting illogically. When he did return, he mentioned that a prostitute had made advances towards him and he contemplated taking the offer. That was quite distressing for me and I believe I spent some time apart from him.
The circumstances were eventually hashed out but he was intoxicated at the time and was only interested in sexually objectifying me on social media, Snapchat to be exact. Could it have been out of spite and resentment?
Arguments became more persistent and my way of dealing with that was either sobbing, drinking cider or smoking marijuana. There were some instances where I would have panic attacks and even isolate myself even more. The relationship stressed me out so much that I would pass out regularly. He would act as if he didn’t know me after an argument and do so by ignoring me.
Whenever he would become angry he’d always convey that I should stay clear of his way before he did something that he would regret. These threats consisted of physical force and were an alternative means of exerting control and it worked, the fear that he would put his hands on me begun to be ingrain within me and there were some instances when I’d flinch in his presence to which he would reply with “you don’t really think I would hit you, do you?”.
He did. He struck me in the face with his fist. I was greatly shocked and told him that I had no interest in speaking to him, he patronised me and then left the room. Just a little later, my friend came through and we discussed the occurrence and she asked me whether I was sure if he punched me. Pardon? The discussion was not very long and she had soon left and he had returned, he revealed that he was lurking outside of the room and listening in on our conversation and sternly said: “Don’t talk about me to your friends.”
Originally, he had said the punch wasn’t necessarily a punch because I wasn’t bruised from the incident, later, he went on to say that it never happened.
Unfortunately, I started isolating myself from my friends and much of my existence revolved around him. When I would message, him saying that “I’m with friends” I would sense this irritability coming from him and he would get intensely moody. He then began to instil the notion that my friends did not like me as well as telling me that they were spreading private matters regarding myself in which everyone was aware of.
When I would politely acknowledge his friends, he would accuse me of flirting with them and blamed me for the way his friends spoke about me i.e. complimenting me aesthetically.
I had warned him about a female that attempted to kiss him and yet again he told me there was nothing to worry about. She later admitted to him that she was attempting to destroy our relationship. So, I was right. But what left me astonished was when he said that by arguing with him I was justly giving other females opportunity to pursue him.
I’m not really a materialistic person but he would frequently buy me gifts and would make me feel as if I should be grateful for it. My motto is “don’t do anything for anyone if you feel you deserve recognition above that has already been given”. He was acquisitive and would always make it known what he’s done for me.
Inversely I was doing things for him beyond a girlfriend would do for her boyfriend. He would say “I didn’t ask you” “You don’t have to do anything” causing me to ponder on what my role was as a girlfriend.
My self-worth most definitely diminished and I began to experience a sense of self-doubt. Who am I? I was not the bubbly and humorous person I once was and my personality was withering away. The most prominent words he used to insult me were stupid and c***. I’d attempted to purchase a gift for him and the company had failed to email the order confirmation, for some reason he felt that I was responsible for it and incessantly called me an idiot.
I had once created a solution for myself to clean one of my piercings and he decided to use it without my consciousness. He started to guilt me for the way in which he reacted to it and I took responsibility and started apologising to him. I felt liable for pushing him to react in such a way.
In the end, I made a firm decision to leave him and he confidently told me I’d come running back and that the intentions of men were to just use me. Making me feel like nothing was just a poor endeavour to get on an even keel because of me withholding his control over me.
So, here is what would I say to myself back then and advise anyone else going through this:
What you see, is probably what you’ll end up pursuing. Refrain from taking on a project and holding the belief that they will eventually change.
Stop brushing things under the carpet and holding the certainty that you can make things work. You’ll be fearful of the fact that the investment of love and energy will equate to a loss but it takes two people to make a relationship work and you do not deserve to be the one that continually tries to fix things.
He will continually say sorry and be apologetic; he is breaking the barrier of control. This is the cycle of abuse.
As flattering as it may sound that a person would want to cuff you almost immediately, ensure that you’re comfortable with moving at this pace.
Sometimes words can just be words, but if subtle threats persist as a means of trying to control you or even scare you. Leave. Don’t wait around for them to possibly act out in such a way.
Don’t feel like support is not available to you. If you are unable to confine in family and friends, there are many organisations happy to assist. In fact, I turned to a wellbeing advisor at my university to discuss my relationship with my ex after we broke up and he affirmed that my experiences were not acceptable.
Is this “give or take?” Do not conform to the belief that this is the way in which a relationship is supposed to be. All relationships have triggering’s but abuse is never acceptable.
Your self-confidence and self-esteem should be untouchable. I doubt I would ever accept that treatment if I knew my value.
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