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I Am

BY NICOLA HARE

"You may write me down in history, with your bitter twisted lies, you may trod me in the very dirt, but still, like dust, I rise." – Maya Angelou

One of my favourite poems of all time belongs to the great Maya Angelou. Still I Rise has always been a way of grounding me in my thoughts or questions about who I am and so, it seemed fitting that I would introduce this piece; I Am with a quote from the poem.

Years ago, I must’ve been 13, I had a class called citizenship and at the time; it was just another lesson that had to be crossed off on a school day before I went home. It’s only now that I realise how pivotal lessons such as those were; my teacher, Miss Klienfield was the first teacher to perhaps challenge what it is I believed about the world. There were many lessons and there were many questions that we were faced with but the one lesson that has never escaped me was the class about labelling.

The term ‘labelling’ or ‘to label’ is defined as attaching a label to something.
Socially, labelling is the theory of how self-identity and/or behaviour of individuals may be determined and/or influenced by the terms that are used to describe or classify them. The term is essentially associated with the concepts of stereotyping or self-fulfilling prophecy.

Now imagine, 13-year-old Nicola, sitting in class, last lesson before home-time and I was truly dumbfounded by what was being explained. I mean, I would like to believe that I understood what was being taught but if I’m being truly honest, I had always disassociated myself with such a concept. There were no stereotypes that I felt I associated myself with and so surely, the concept must not apply to me.

The truth is; more often than not, definitions, labels, they do not belong to the defined. As a black woman, what is attached or associated to me is the concept of ‘double lacking’; for I am Black and I am woman and for a long time; I believed that it was true; being a woman and being Black both seemed to be inferior in the eyes of society and thus, it must be true that as a black woman, I am double lacking. To define me as double lacking because of my woman-ness and my blackness is entirely comedic to me now because whilst I am woman and I am Black and I do not lack.

Understand this now: what you look like or the perception that people may have of you does not determine who you are. What’s maddening is how easily we are cornered into these labels and how effortlessly one can fall into the trap of labelling because we choose to believe those who have defined us. The act of labelling is such a psychological dysphoria because it is not simply about having a label attached to you; it is about the embodiment of said label.

Imagine a puppet master willing his puppets to move and act according to him, the puppets follow because they know nothing else, they are merely pawns, props in the grand scheme of things. It is not the puppets that are rewarded for their entertainment but rather the puppet master. It is not the puppets that are granted favour and opportunity, but it is the puppet master. It is not the puppets that determine their fate but rather, the puppet master. We want to convince ourselves that we are the puppet masters of our lives; that the show is ours and the pawns are those that we will to our cause when in reality, a lot of us have allowed society, societal norms and labels to make us puppets. We fall into the narrative that has been written for us without questioning what that does to who we are.

I am Black and I am woman. Those two things will never change, nor do I want them to change because they are a part of who I am. I say part because I am more than just Black and woman. I am strong and I am intelligent. I am ambitious and I am powerful, diligent and creative. We become so consumed with other people’s definitions of who we are that we lose ourselves and how to define ourselves.

Have you ever wondered why people are so uncomfortable with claiming their greatness? It is not simply about fearing one’s work but our greatest fear is often not what we’re bad at something but rather the possibility that we are good at it. It is our light that terrifies us and is that not a maddening thought. Have you ever questioned why we are so quick to criticise ourselves and yet when it comes to time to compliment ourselves; we’re embarrassed, shy, we think it foolish. I wrote a post earlier this summer and explained how I make a habit of telling myself of how great I am every morning. I tell myself that because I am great; it is who I am and it is important that I identify with that.

People will always have a perception of you and more often than not, said perception will be projected onto you. What is important is knowing who you are despite that. You see, knowing of oneself is not simply about how you view yourself but it is also the maintaining of such image despite a label or stereotype being attached to you. We need to learn to be the definers of our own lives and destinies otherwise we become puppets, living for the master that does not know of our means and sees us as only objects.

You are not lacking because you are Black, you are not lacking because you are woman, you are not lacking because of your size or your class. The standards that are placed onto these labels do not determine who we are, understanding that is the beginning of defining who you are.

So here within lies my challenge. I challenge you to define who you are. This is not a self-critique or general definitions of you are. This is about defining who you are as more than the exterior. Say it out loud or write it down. Just begin with I Am…


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